I Was Wrong.

It never ceases to amaze me how the things that you never thought you would like end up changing who you are. For me, that is Sigma Alpha Iota. I swore on my life that I would never join some any fraternity or sorority. I stereotyped it and said that it "wasn't me."

I have never been more wrong. This organization is all for promoting and supporting music. That is part of who I am. A musician. I will always find music more moving than visual art, film, or poetry. It is one thing that can bring me to my knees. The women in this organization never fail to astound me. They are supportive, loving, and make me feel more alive than ever before. I feel like I could do anything knowing they are there for me.

I have always relied more on myself than on any one person because I'm always afraid that the bottom will drop out and they'll turn on me, or fail to be there at all. These women are not like that. Particularly, my big sister. She is a beautiful, talented, caring, loving individual whom I admire and respect above most anyone I have ever known. I feel truly blessed for her to be my big sister and to be there for me throughout my process.

I have only just begun this process towards becoming a sister, but I already feel that it has changed my life for the better. This is one of the best decisions I ever made in my life and I cannot wait to see what else is in store for me.

"For Every Season, Turn, Turn Turn"

Dear Blogging Community,

I am very sorry for my lack of propriety and filling you all in, but I have a good reason. If idle hands are the devil's workshop, I am definitely a child of God. 'Cause I am busy nearly every second of the day. I'm taking 19 hours this semester. And if that weren't enough, I decided to Rush Sigma Alpha Iota.

So, since I left the land of the world wide web, I moved back into my dorm at Western. I have my own room, and an awesome suite mate, who is lovely, quiet, respectful, oh... and a beast section leader. I successfully completed Band Camp, as well as wind evaluation day and I'm proud to say I'm a member of the Gold Exhibition Band and I play 1st Lead Piccolo. Not bad for a voice major, if I do say so myself. Marching Band has been going swimmingly; hot, humid, marching on mars, dirt in my lungs, sweat drenched, and with 380 uniformed members. Yeah. Insanity. GOD, I love it.

Classes are back in session and kicking my butt with full force. A quick run-through will explain my sentiment on most of them.
Music History - lots of info to process and the professor will grade my papers harder than anyone else in the free world. Overall, a good class, though.
Concert Choir - I sing alto. I sing alto. I sing alto.
Early Music Ensemble - I sing alto. I sing alto. I sing alto.
Honors American Gov't - Man is old. He calls us by last names and he really gets into politics. Kinda boring, but at least he's semi-entertaining.
Piano 3 - Brad. Kill me now.
Elementary Music - No one said this class required 15 hours of observation! And its long. And silly.
Strings - I don't like them. The man is WAY too excited about the class. I'll be glad when its over.
Choral Methods - The class that is supposed to be most pertinent to my life once I graduate is the least. Its the "Oh, look what I taught my middle schoolers today" instead of teaching me how to teach High School choir.

That's the lowdown on classes. Plus lessons. Whoo. Plus an extra "Women's Pop A capella" ensemble for Ashley. Hopefully should be a lot of fun to do. But what I'm really excited about was Rush Week for Sigma Alpha Iota. We had a ton of fun at the Ice Cream social, getting to talk one on one with the sisters, Sister Sing and Tea, and the PJ Service project cleaning Coulter. On friday, I got my bid. And my heart about beat out of my chest. I got my first note from my Big Sister today. This whole process is SO exciting. I just can't wait.

So as you can tell, I haven't neglected you, oh faithful yet few. I have simply been busy finding things to tell you about!

Goals: Realized

This summer, I set a goal. That goal was to re-connect to myself. I decided this after the semester from hell. I looked back at my life. I wasn't happy with the way that it was going. I had started so well when I moved to College. And somehow along the way, I feel that I lost a part of myself.

So this summer, we set out to find out more about myself. And more importantly, change the things that I didn't like, as well as enhance the things I did. And I feel that I have done that.

1) Image.

Ah, yes. Image. The fact that I was gaining weight like a snowball rolling downhill. The fact that I didn't like my features. I was doughy, I was ugly. In changing the way I thought about myself, I changed the way I looked.I changed my hair. I dyed it, cut it, made myself look different. I decided to lose the weight. And I've lost 21.8 pounds this summer. I've dropped two pant sizes. And I'm not done. I WILL get to my goal weight and maintain it. When I started to drop the weight, I started to change how I felt about myself, and therefore, I didn't see myself as ugly. I'm starting to see myself as beautiful. Perhaps truly for the first time in my life.

2) Job.

I got one. At Croasdaile. I worked with the old folks. And I learned more about my weaknesses as an individual. I learned to prioritize what is most important in my life, and to never give up my goals of finding them. I learned that when I am faced with an obstacle, I shouldn't be afraid of it. I should tackle it. And more importantly, In some cases, I should just wait it out instead of panicking.

3) ME.

I connected to me. I thought about why I am the way I am. I thought about my friends and why they're friends with me. And my self-confidence rose. And my smile came back. And my outlook on life did a 180. I changed. I'm never going back to the depression, the sadness, the terrible attitude, the lack of support. I will not go back to hating myself. I'm on the path to loving myself, and even though its the hardest thing I've ever done, I'm happier now than I have been in my life. And I did it all. for. ME.

Silhouette

Today was a great day. At least as far as NSV's go. (Non-Scale Victories, for all you Weight Watchers illiterate.) I'll explain.

I'm sitting here. Listening to Michael Bublé serenade me. And I feel more at peace right now than I have in a LONG time. His voice is wrapping me up in the feeling of being truly loved. Being confident, care-free, and undeniably beautiful. I attained this feeling after several hours of self-confidence boosting therapy, via my closet.

It all started this morning at Weight Watchers. I weighed in and lost 0.6 pounds. It wasn't a fantastic weight loss, but I'm thankful for it being a loss and not a gain, and not just flatlining. But, it wasn't a great victory at the scale. So, on weeks like this, I try to find what we call Non-Scale Victories. Something you're proud of that isn't reflected by the numbers on the scale. For me, it was climbing that lighthouse that was equivalent to a 12 story building. At least, thats all I could think of at the meeting.

It takes a while for your brain to catch up with your body, and your clothing size to change. I started packing up my clothes tonight. And I hated to do it because I knew I wasn't going to fit in any of the clothes that I would take to school anyway. And thats when it happened. My brain, my body, and my clothes all were in alignment. I finally started to notice that I was getting my silhouette back. You can see the hourglass at my waist. I can tighten the belt on my Goal Dress a few notches tighter, and all my shorts from last summer fit again.

And it all started to rush back. My self-confidence. My smile, my walk, my attitude towards life. It all made a sudden up-turn. And now, I'm treating myself by drowning myself in music and enjoying the fact that I have a silhouette again.

Where the Sand is your Seat, and the Waves Kiss Your Feet

That's right, oh faithful, yet few, readers! I finally got to go to the beach for the first time in two years! And the only words I have to describe it are "a glorious re-awakening of my soul." Because that's what it felt like to me. It felt like I was leaving all my negative thoughts, my worrisome tendencies, my constant angst at home. And finally, I was able to relax and rediscover why I fell in love with that boy of mine.

And it was a perfect time to do it. After not seeing him in a month, I do what lots of people do to prevent the distance and time from hurting so much. I went numb. That's my default setting to prevent pain. And it was working. And then I saw him, and that numbness went right out the window and I was flooded with all the feelings I had worked so hard to suppress in order to not be overwhelmed with sadness everyday.

We visited the Aquarium at Pine Knoll Shores, we laid on Atlantic Beach, we visited the Maritime Museum in Beaufort, we had some fantastic seafood at the Sanitary Fish Market and Restaurant in Morehead City. I had the most relaxing sleep I've had in three months, because I knew he was there. We took a boat ride to visit Cape Lookout Lighthouse. We laid on the sands by the Lighthouse. We swam in the ocean. We climbed the 207 steps up the lighthouse, and saw a great view from the top. We walked down the beach, with him holding me to his side. And I felt like this was where I was supposed to be all along.

The trip did more than just give me pause to think about what is important in life. It gave me the opportunity to see a glimpse of what I want. And for that, I am truly grateful. And what's more, I'm grateful to have lost all that weight before revealing myself to the Crystal Coast in a bathing suit. At weigh in this week, I was down 1.8 pounds. My total weight loss is 20 pounds. Even. And I've never felt better about myself. [Except of course when I move back to school.]

10 Weeks to 10 Percent!

That's right. You guessed it. I FINALLY lost 10 percent of my starting weight! When I went to my ritual weigh in, I was expecting a small weight loss, since I haven't been able to exercise much since my wisdom teeth removal. I was pleasantly surprised when I dropped 4.4 pounds last week. This brings my total weight loss to 19.2 pounds! And... I finally got my keychain to put my 5k Challenge charm on!

I have been noticing a lot of changes in my health since the weight came off. The stairs aren't so dreaded and I don't huff and puff when I get to the top. I have more energy. I still can't sleep, but that's a whole separate deal. If I exercise everyday, I deal with stress better.

I haven't seen many people lately besides those at work, so I haven't gotten the "Have you lost weight?" comments yet. I'm waiting for those to start popping up. Sometimes I doubt that when I go back to school anyone will even notice. They'll just say, "Wow, Angie. How was your summer?" If that. I know there will be the people who read this blog (I think. I hope.) who see me and say something. But other than that, its kind of difficult to think that anyone else would care.

The last bit that I'm waiting to see is the clothes start fitting better. I have noticed a LITTLE bit. Such as, when I first came home, I couldn't wear the shorts that I wore last summer, but now those fit. But I'm not going to see big changes in the clothes department until my mid-section shrinks, and that is usually the LAST to go and takes a lot of working out to accomplish.

But I'm happy with how much I've done so far. And I'm even more determined to reach goal weight and lifetime status. And be able to look great in my Goal Dress for California! ;)

Relationships vs. Goals

Disclaimer: This is not up-beat. This is me. Writing about problems. So, if you're looking for a happy go-lucky blog entry to read about my successes, this isn't it. You have been warned.

I have been writing about all of my goals this summer. That's what sparked my untapped need to put my emotions, events, tales, thoughts, and dreams down on... well, not paper, but ... a blog. I have been so goal oriented that my life now feels like a series of parades. A parade of my weight loss goals and my reviews of my weekly meeting at the holy trinity; Weight Watchers, Kroger, and my kitchen. In my other parades I've been writing about events, like Junior Conference, my wisdom teeth removal, getting my new job at Croasdaile Village.

And while all of these things are important and affect who I am, they are not my feelings. They are not my emotions. They are, and have been in recent weeks, distractions to satisfy my fear. In my life, its easy to make a to-do list of things to accomplish. And with my drive, I know I can accomplish them.

Until it came to relationships. As much as I hate to write about them and hate to think that I would be so self-centered as to write about the way I feel about the relationship that I'm in, I realized it might be a good idea to try and get this down. Outside of my own subconscious. So I can stop thinking about it, or rather obsessing over it until I drive myself insane.

My relationship. Myyyyyyyyy relationship. I sincerely wish that I could just get my head around it. We've been together since our first day of college. Not as a couple, but as friends. We eventually started dating and have been together ever since. I never doubted us. I doubted myself. A lot. College will do that to you. But in recent weeks, I've started feeling loneliness creep into my everyday life.

Granted, my job isn't the most comforting. Sitting in a room with someone who sleeps most of the time isn't a great way to combat feeling alone. Most days our lives are so boring we have nothing great to talk about on the phone. And the real trouble comes with the fact that I have all day to sit. And think. I think about the strong feelings I have for him. And how I don't feel them being returned. Sure, I know he likes me. I know "I'm his favorite person." But when you are separated and get to see each other once a month, that's not necessarily what you're looking to hear.

Its not like we've been dating for a small amount of time. We've been together for three months short of two years. I know relationships are hard and you can't expect them to be fair all the time. But in all this time, I've loved him for a good portion of it. I didn't expect him to say it back, at first. I just wanted it returned eventually. But here we are. I say "I love you," with no reply.

When it comes to relationships, how much is too much? When do we know that they will never be able to give those emotions back? If you talk and they listen, is it enough? At what point do our needs take over and we have to have them satisfied or you'll just burst? I'm looking for those answers. And more. If you know, please help.

Stitches, Swelling, and Oxycodone

I did it. I had four wisdom teeth removed. I went through with it. And to be honest, I remember very little. I remember the tension and anxiety I had in the days leading up to the surgery. I remember it feeling like an eternity sitting in the waiting room. I remember them calling the wrong name for my surgery, and I remember asking if "Lindsay" was only having two removed, because in that case, yes, I was "Lindsay." But seeing as there was no "Lindsay," I accepted my fate.

I remember going back and sitting down. I remember asking Dr. Ruvo how many times he'd done this surgery, and he said, "I couldn't tell you total, but I've done 6 today." And it was 1 pm when I asked him. I remember them hooking me up to the heart monitor, the oxygen monitor and taking my blood pressure. I remember making a fist and telling him to put the I.V. in the other arm. And I remember him saying I was right because the veins in that arm were so small. I remember him tying the band on my arm and them putting the oxygen to my face. I saw him spraying something out of a needle and then I remember him saying the lights would spin. Well, they didn't spin. But they were going in and out and that's all.

When I came to, my aunt was laughing, I was sitting in a chair, in recovery. I don't know how I got there. I remember the nurse telling me a string of different liquids I could have to drink. I couldn't remember the first one by the time she got done telling me all the different things available, but I told her to give me the first one, which was Gatorade. I was seeing double of everything. I asked her to touch my feet so I could tell which one was my actual foot, and which was its non-existent twin. I remember Cheryl laughing at me when she saw how pitiful I looked. She couldn't stop. I wasn't mad, or sad, or upset. I just wanted to see what was so funny.

It's the second day after surgery. I'm still on a diet of all soft foods, and I've started incorporating roasted vegetables cooked very soft and soft pasta into my diet. I've been spoiled with cheese eggs and mashed potatoes; both specialties of my ever-attentive Aunt and caretaker extraordinaire. I'm still swollen up, have four sets of stitches, and am taking lots of motrin and oxycodone for the pain and swelling. Today should be the peak of both those side effects. It should all become more smooth sailing after today, and I sure hope so.

Even though I've had lots of my favorite foods, I've been conscious of writing everything down in my food journal and calculating the points. And it paid off. Even with my HUGE cheeks, I still lost 1.8 pounds this week. That brings my total weight loss to 14.8 pounds. I'm getting ever closer to accomplishing my goals. And that makes me feel great. But until then, I will sit, catch up on my T.V. and movies, and take my pills until I've had a full recovery.

Post-Party Glow

GREAT day yesterday. I celebrated the day I was born 4 days early this year. I had my friends, my family, and most importantly, my boyfriend there to celebrate with me. I had a great day, and really enjoyed seeing old, and new, friends, as well as spending the day with the love of my life.

Beyond just a great day with a fabulous sherbet and white ice-cream cake, I went to my weekly ritual at Weight Watchers. I lost 2 pounds last week, bringing the total to 12.6 pounds! I was so proud of myself, because I really wasn't feeling great about my weight loss this week since I strayed from my rigid exercise routine. But there is some power in changing it up. Those two days in the pool were probably more exercise than I realized, and working your muscles in different ways is always a way to stimulate weight loss.

Seeing Ryan yesterday did a lot for me. It reinforced the love I have for him. It reinforced how strong our relationship is, even with time spent apart. And even though he doesn't say it, it proves to me that he does love me. Despite the growing need to hear those three words said, being held in his arms, lying on the couch at my house was enough for now. I try to think of ways to remind myself that he truly cares about me and wants to be with me, but his gift yesterday was perfect. He framed a picture of us that I have been begging him to make a copy of for me. He picked out a great frame and it really meant a lot to me: more than something that I would ultimately cast aside.

Speaking of gifts, I got the shoes I've been dying to try. Reebok Easy Tones. The ones constantly on T.V. making me believe in the power of great advertisement. So I got them in silver and a darker shade of fuschia. They are very comfortable. In the weeks to come, I'll let you know if I notice a difference.

Overall, I'd say my early birthday was a great combination of what I needed, and what I wanted. It's hard to think that in just 4 short days, I will be sedated and having 4 wisdom teeth removed. But for now, I'm just enjoying my post-party glow.

Every Girl Needs a Little Black Dress

There have been a lot of advancements since my last post. For starters, I went to the established church of Weight Watchers on my holy day, Saturday, and weighed in. I lost 2 pounds last week. Total weight loss: 10.6 pounds. That is 5% of my starting weight. I was so happy, that a lot of the week to follow made sense.

I was a LOT happier at work, because I was beginning to get a shred of my self esteem back, which is on my summer "To-Do" list. It's a slow process, but its well on its way. As well as the bit about losing weight, liking myself, becoming healthier, and determining a better sense of WHO. I. AM.

Part of the healing process was covering the wound from my first day of work, where an elderly patient cussed me out and made me literally shaken to my core. I knew that I should have written it off as, "Oh, he's just old." But I couldn't. I tried. I tried to laugh it off, cry it off, analyze it until I was blue in the face, and nothing and no one could make me get rid of the feeling but time and experience.

Which I got. On Monday, and Tuesday of the following week. It began to get easier to deal with patients, and I began to feel more comfortable with my job. But the fact of the matter is, my job is constantly changing. No two days are ever the same, even with the same patient. Every time I stand outside one of their apartments after knocking at the door, I can't help but feel vulnerable.

So, this created a need for relaxation, which ultimately resulted in "glamour therapy." I started with watching Sex and the City. Which has helped put a little spring in my step the last few days. The clothes, the characters, the shoes. It's all a little bit of my alter-ego. And watching it makes me able to live the more mature life I so desperately desire, even if only living it vicariously through Carrie Bradshaw, Samantha Jones, Charlotte York, and Miranda Hobbes.

After watching hours of a group of 4 female friends discussing every detail of their lives, I got a little bit of that myself. I spent two fabulous days by the pool with Tiffany and Kayleigh Dyer, and Sarah Taylor. A shopping trip boosted my self confidence with a fabulous pair of shoes, and what we coined as my "Goal Dress." This dress is fantastic. Chic. Black. (And every girl needs a little black dress ;) Really looks great on me, when I get closer to goal weight. I could wear the dress now, but, I have decided to save this dress for occasions such as . . . our Band Banquet in glorious California! So, by then, I should be able to wear the dress with my head held high, and a gorgeous boy on my arm. :)

Trudging Through

Life is, to me, moseying along. Just moseying. With no clear purpose for the here and now. Let me tell you what I mean.

The good news this week is that I lost 1.2 pounds! That brings my total weight loss to 8.6 lbs! I can't wait for my 10 pound mark, 'cause thats also my 5% target weight. I lost weight, even though I ate cake and ice-cream at my brother's graduation party, which always makes you feel good when you stay on track and allow yourself to be a part of parties, etc. I have felt GREAT these last few weeks, but now? I just feel stagnant.

I went and signed the paperwork for my new job at Croasdaile. I also did the drug test and the TB test. I got a nice bruise from that. To the woman who doesn't have a bruise even after being kicked down a flight of stairs, it was odd to find a bruise from such a tiny needle. Poor administration, I suppose. I don't get to do anything until Wednesday, when I have to sit through some real boring Orientation sessions for 2 days. I just want to go ahead and start, but no, stiiiiiill stagnating.

I got to see Ryan. That was probably the highlight of my week. I didn't realize just how much I missed him until I saw him. And I ran right into his arms. And man. Let me tell you. He has put on some MUSCLE! We had a great fun filled day of movies, and a 5k through the Town of Smithfield. It made me feel great to do the 5k for the Weight Watchers Walk-It Challenge, but even better to do it with him. I enjoyed that day, but it kind of made me sad that I won't be able to be with him all the time, like I am at school. It made me realize just how much he means to me, and how ready I am for the next phase of my life to begin: with him in it.

So, as you can tell, I feel like I've gotten a taste of what I want my life to be, but I feel like I'm sort of helpless in getting it there, no matter how much I want to do. I just feel like I'm trudging through.

Perhaps I can find some solace in my girls on Sex and the City. I managed to find the entire series on Ebay and won the bid for less than $50. Great steal. Hopefully, they can infuse my life with a little more glamour.

Things Are Falling Into Place

So. As of this week, I lost 2.4 pounds, which brings my overall total weight loss to 7.4 pounds! I was very happy with this this week, considering I wasn't expecting to lose much.

I typically don't weigh myself during the week, just because then I will get disappointed if the scales aren't the same as at Weight Watchers. So, I don't do it at home. But this week, I had to go get my yearly physical at the doctor, and they took my weight. I wasn't going to ask what it was, but they put a digital readout of it right at my eye level, two inches away from my face. So what was I to do? Shut my eyes and risk falling in the pediatric office? Ohhhhh no. Not going down that road.

When I saw it, it was only Two tenths of a pound down from my weigh in at Weight Watchers last week. And being a Thursday, we should have been able to see more of a weight loss than that for the week, seeing as I weigh in on Saturdays. So that was rather depressing. But then, oh to my surprise, I lost 2.4! So, Hooray for me!

In other news, I got the "Official" call from Croasdaile about the job, and I GOT IT! So, another hooray! I am going in the next orientation on the 16th, and have my drug screen, TB test, and paperwork appointment this week! So, all is finally settling into place.

But. I have to admit. I owe a bit of my newest obsession to a few different people. First, to Tiffany, who invited me to see the film, but mostly to Amy Shu, for exposing me to the "sexy" world it is.

I. Am. Sex and the City. Obsessed.

While that kind of sounded like an AA Confession, it is, nonetheless, true. In watching the first film, after being invited by Tiff to see the sequel, I rediscovered an old love. My love of Kim Cattrall. My childhood obsession with her character Emmy, from Mannequin, has morphed into my adult love of the overtly sexual "Samantha Jones." With the exception of her sexual conquests, we are, soulmates. And anyone who knows me, or Samantha, would say that that statement is true.

So now, on my long list of things to accomplish this summer, I am adding, watch the entire Sex and the City HBO Series.

Is This 3 Months Wasted?

Why is that if you want to work, you can't seem to get any feedback from an employer? I am so frustrated right now, and am having trouble being optimistic about the situation.

I applied for this job at Croasdaile Village as a Home Care Companion on April 28. After two unanswered emails, and three or four unanswered calls, I was beginning to lose hope that I would even get answered. Then, I get a call from Human Resources. We set up an interview. The interview takes less than an hour. I get recommended for a second interview with my future supervisor, Judy. Judy is the reason that I was even going to take this job because she told my aunt that she could really use me in her department and wanted to put me to work right away.

So, I interview with Judy on June 1st. Okay. Judy says that she will hire me after about 30 minutes of her talking to me. I need to go to Orientation before I can work, and they have one tomorrow. One would think that she would tell me to come to it. No. She says she will call Human Resources. And of 'course, I get NO response back. So here it is, Orientation day. The day that I should be getting ready to start working there, but no.

No. I am sitting at home. Where I have been for almost the entire month of May, waiting on these people to hire me, or communicate with me. I can only work there until the first or second week of August. So. It looks like I won't be going to Orientation until July. And if that isn't in the first week, then I won't get to work more than a few days out of the three months I am home.

And I'm so frustrated and scared that I can't pay for things, that I'm going to cry. Great.

A Bizarre Week

I'm so glad to be home. This week was nothing short of Bizarre. I went to Camp Sertoma in Westfield, NC. Basically in the middle of NOWHERE. It was at the base of the mountains. I had to go to satisfy summer experience requirements for NC Teaching Fellows. After signing my soul away, this was the only experience that they paid for. So I was a servant of Stokes County via the 4-H program.

I arrived to a pleasant place, tucked away in the woods with an 1800's hotel, a few new cabins and a big barn converted into a gym inside. The new cabins were nice, and the smell of fresh wood is still in all my luggage from the trip. We figured out they had air conditioning after a night of sauna-like conditions. The first day we learned everything we would be teaching from a woman whose voice grated on my last nerve and called every male at the camp an assortment of endearments. "Honey, baby, sweetheart, darling, love, get that bucket for me." Ugh. Made me sick.

We went into schools everyday and taught about soil composition, compost, environmentally friendly practices and water. We taught third and fourth graders all about these interrelated science topics. Being a Secondary Music Education major, these were 4 virtually pointless days of my life. I learned what poor planning can do, and that there are crazy people EVERYWHERE. We had to design a 4-H lesson. Naturally, what with me being a slave to Weight Watchers, I chose to do a nutrition and activity session. I drew possibly the best food pyramid ever, taking a grand total of 2 hours to complete, seeing as I am not a great visual artist.

I made a few new friends and was reunited with people from Discovery and learned a lot about the girls in my cohort at Western. If it hadn't been for Mallory, Jenny, Katrin, and Christine, I may have lost my mind. We had a nothing short of STRANGE experience with a girl from Queens University who told us her life story in 4 days, unsolicited, of 'course. We heard all sorts of racial comments and on our final night she called her hispanic husband who spoke no english and he came to the campground. It was against the rules and we were SOOOO scared, knowing nothing about him. Needless to say, the bizarre week ended and I was glad to be back in Hillsborough.

I was scared of this event mainly because I knew it would be hard to keep up with my weight loss goals when I wasn't in control of the menu. I memorized the portion control chart according to your hand, and I drank a ton of water as well as getting a great workout in everyday. And I was pleasantly surprised at the scales this week when I lost one pound, meaning I lost my first 5 lbs! I got my sticker and was absolutely thrilled. It was a great feeling. Now that I'm home and back in control of what I eat and exercise, I am relieved.

Next week, we're looking at my second interview at Croasdaile Village, and I hope I get the job and can start working! Wish me luck, in ALL these endeavors.

A Taste of Success

I got a taste of what it feels like to succeed today. I went to Weight Watchers for my first weigh in after I started their plan. And... I LOST 4 POUNDS! In 1 week! How Awesome is THAT! I was beyond ecstatic. This made me feel empowered. This made me feel like saying no to cookies was a good thing.

And even better, I am starting to feel better too! I followed the plan, it worked. I exercised almost every day, and its paying off. I'm starting to feel the effects of working and having my efforts rewarded. And I'm not hungry all the time. I'm satisfied and I take pride in myself for cooking my own meals, preparing the food, cleaning up, working out. It's almost cathartic. (Well... It is.)

I've never seen myself as one of those people who ENJOYED working out and sweating and feeling their heart race and their legs feel like jello the next day. But now? I'm really enjoying it. And it's because I'm doing it for me. Not for anyone else. And the only person who can judge me, is me.

I was elated to actually start my weight loss journey, but next week will be hard since I'll be at camp four days next week for Teaching Fellows. I will use my hand as my portion guide and really try to exercise and drink water. That's the skills Weight Watchers has taught me so far in how to handle situations like this. I guess next Saturday at weigh in will be the ultimate test of how well I handled it.

In other, non-weight related, news, I got a callback from the Home Care Supervisor at Croasdaile for my second and final interview! So that looks like it is a go for the summer and beyond. Which would be one of my goals crossed off the to-do list. Hopefully everything will work out in that department.

I'm so proud of myself. For once in a long time. I am determined. I am succeeding at losing. (Weight, that is.) I'm happy with me. Now if I didn't miss Ryan so much, or if he was here to celebrate with me, that is the only way this victory could be any sweeter.

Sticking With It

Today is Day 5. I have successfully been watching my points and writing EVERYTHING down that I eat. So far, you could say I've been successful in my Weight Watchers efforts. I choose healthier foods, I make smarter choices, I try to get in everything on the good health guidelines.

I ran into one snag in the plan, or maybe just me. I was eating the right foods, exercising portion control, following all the rules: One of them is taking a multivitamin every day. Well, I got my One-a-Day Women's vitamin, but it made me throw up. Anyone have an explanation, or the same problem with this?

In the meantime, I've also been putting some of my focus towards exercising. I usually just stick to my "Walk Away the Pounds" 1 mile walk. I gave the 30 minute walk [without weights] for 2 miles a try. It was harder than the one mile and wore me OUT. I've also tried a Broadway Sweat video. That was longer, but slower paced. In any case, I'm changing it up and thats the important thing.

In other news, I have been trying to find a job. I got called for an interview with Human Resources at Croasdaile Village, the job I really wanted as a Home Care Companion. I was recommended for my second interview with the Home Care Supervisor, which means I'm pretty much in. I just want to make sure that I can get enough hours before I say no to another job. I also got a call from J.C. Penny, which was my LAST choice because it takes so much gas to get there. But I told her I wasn't available until after my Junior Enrichment experience next week.

Anyway, I'm well on my way to accomplishing my goals for this summer. I have interviews and prospects for jobs, have started exercising, and am well on my way to achieving my weight loss goals.

Honeymooning

This is what is known as the "Honeymoon" period. Where everything is exciting, and new, and cute! That's how Weight Watchers is for me now. Not to say it didn't take a lot of guts, and a lot of work on my part today, but I have to say; I'm pretty ecstatic about the whole situation.

So I woke up, showered, measured out my serving of cereal this morning and headed to my Nana's to attend a meeting, register, and (sigh) weigh in. I got to the meeting place with my Nana and when I walked in the door, a most unexpected thing happened. I was FLOODED with memories of my first Weight Watchers experience. It was very peculiar, yet I was glad to be filled with this sort of nostalgia.

I registered, paid, *weighed* and settled into the happy truth that this would be a definitive point of change in my life. After listening to a meeting, we sat in the circle of new members and learned about changes to the program since I left. Not much to tell; count, track, eat filling foods and exercise.

Afterwards, I put my newfound skills (and "Dining Out Companion") to good use. I went to Cracker Barrel with my Nana. We ate a FILLING meal and I walked out with a total of 6 points. Thats less that I would NORMALLY eat for a meal. Needless to say, I felt like I could accomplish anything!

Then we hit the grocery store. Kroger. The land of fresh produce. The only place in Durham that I felt that I could get quality produce that would keep for me to eat. We loaded up the cart with more vegetables and fruits than really should be allowed for two people. After pouring lean meat, wheat pasta, fat-free, sugar-free, low-carb, and plenty of Weight Watcher branded foods into the cart, we loaded up the car. Then to unload and separate at Nana's. Then into my car. Then into my house. Then upstairs to my room. Clearly, I earned my activity points for the day.

After all that, I babysat for 5 hours. Two kids. My cousins. Good pay. Overall, not a bad evening, if I hadn't been about to fall asleep from sheer exhaustion. But the money was worth it. And a video on my phone of my three and seven year old cousins performing the "Single Ladies" dance with every ounce of energy I lacked.

I say all that to say this: I. AM. READY.

I have never felt more energized, empowered, motivated, and overall excited about my life and the activities in it. I'm ready for anything and I'm happy for ME, finally. I hope this continues after next saturday at the next weigh in.

The Last Supper

So. Tomorrow is the big day. The big "weigh in," no pun intended. What spurred me into doing this only one day after writing my Summer Goal blog? Two words.

SCALE. SHOCK. It was horrible. I expected to weigh in at the weight I joined last time, but I am 10 pounds over what I was last time. I actually was in disbelief. So, needless to say, I'm getting ready to start the journey back to a normal size, and hopefully, a more pleasant version of me.

I had what is known as "the Last Supper." You know, we've all done it. The night before you start a new diet you completely pig out on all your favorite foods because you know you won't be able to have them. It started with lunch. I tried to counteract the impending fat and cholesterol with a salad, with very oily dressing, I might add. I had an order of Fried Pickles from the Gulf Rim Café. Positively to DIE for. I also had a spearmint lemonade locopop, as well as bought a Belgian chocolate buttercream truffle from Matthew's. I know it sounds like spearmint and lemonade wouldn't go together, but they were absolutely amazing, especially as hot as it was.

Before going to my grandmother's to enjoy my final FEAST for her birthday, I decided to try and cut the calories I had from lunch, since I AM weighing in tomorrow. I began my exercise routine of choice.

"Walk away the Pounds" with Leslie Sandsone. Wonderful. A grandmothers gift to a 15 year old porker 4 years ago is still what I go to for a video workout. Since I don't want to pay money to go to a gym, and hardly use it, and I already own these videos, I figured "why not?"

I forgot "why not." Those tapes are hard for someone who has been a couch potato for a while. And her voice is a little grating, yet familiar. It was odd. I didn't like it, but at the same time, I did. Maybe its my cold feet, or my fear, but I wasn't going to go back on that scale, so I figured I had better learn to like her.

After working up a sweat, I went to Nana's and gorged myself of a Red Robin "Bleu Ribbon" Burger, steak fries, and Ice Cream cake with lots of Icing. It was delicious. And a great way to say, "goodbye, world of taste." Hello, cardboard pasta.

Its okay. I've come to accept the fact that my palate will change over this process, but so will my body, and that's a compromise I suppose I'll have to make.

As I sit here, eating the last of my Belgian Chocolate Truffle, I pray that whoever reads this isn't going to think I'm just a pudgy nobody. I hope you'll support me.

A Goal in Mind.

I have just begun my Summer of 2010. There are going to be a lot of milestones during these three months, but more so, a lot of setting up for milestones in my near future.

My 20th birthday is just around the corner. Can you believe I've made it two decades? I can't believe that I am almost out of my teen years forever! It seems odd to say, but on one hand, I don't feel like I'll be out of my teens until I'm 21. (You know, when your life REALLY begins.) I don't know why they picked such an odd age. Now, I have to consider stepping into a new decade part of my teen-hood. I suppose I could always call it twenty-teen. ;)

I am interviewing for a summer job on Monday at Croasdaile Village as a Home Care Companion. This will hopefully be a job that I can keep for winter breaks, spring break, and summers to return to and earn some money.

But beyond that, my goal this summer is to get healthy. I was looking through some pictures on my computer and ran across all the ones from when I was at a healthy weight. I looked incredible. I was confident, and I gave off a totally different vibe than . . . now. So I'm going back to Weight Watchers to gain back my figure, my confidence, and my life. I'm also going to help my grandmother do the same thing. Teamwork.

Ultimately, my goal for this summer is to transform. Transform the physical, the mental, the emotional. Physical, we discussed. But being apart from Ryan will really make this hard on the other aspects. We are so close.

But this summer I get to reinvent myself. I am going to hang out with my friends, by any means necessary. I am going to engage myself. I am going to dream and find out what made me confident and vibrant, because I'm too young to feel this old. My job, my appearance, my activities, myself. Those are my goals this summer. Lets see how much I accomplish after the summer ends.