I have been writing about all of my goals this summer. That's what sparked my untapped need to put my emotions, events, tales, thoughts, and dreams down on... well, not paper, but ... a blog. I have been so goal oriented that my life now feels like a series of parades. A parade of my weight loss goals and my reviews of my weekly meeting at the holy trinity; Weight Watchers, Kroger, and my kitchen. In my other parades I've been writing about events, like Junior Conference, my wisdom teeth removal, getting my new job at Croasdaile Village.
And while all of these things are important and affect who I am, they are not my feelings. They are not my emotions. They are, and have been in recent weeks, distractions to satisfy my fear. In my life, its easy to make a to-do list of things to accomplish. And with my drive, I know I can accomplish them.
Until it came to relationships. As much as I hate to write about them and hate to think that I would be so self-centered as to write about the way I feel about the relationship that I'm in, I realized it might be a good idea to try and get this down. Outside of my own subconscious. So I can stop thinking about it, or rather obsessing over it until I drive myself insane.
My relationship. Myyyyyyyyy relationship. I sincerely wish that I could just get my head around it. We've been together since our first day of college. Not as a couple, but as friends. We eventually started dating and have been together ever since. I never doubted us. I doubted myself. A lot. College will do that to you. But in recent weeks, I've started feeling loneliness creep into my everyday life.
Granted, my job isn't the most comforting. Sitting in a room with someone who sleeps most of the time isn't a great way to combat feeling alone. Most days our lives are so boring we have nothing great to talk about on the phone. And the real trouble comes with the fact that I have all day to sit. And think. I think about the strong feelings I have for him. And how I don't feel them being returned. Sure, I know he likes me. I know "I'm his favorite person." But when you are separated and get to see each other once a month, that's not necessarily what you're looking to hear.
Its not like we've been dating for a small amount of time. We've been together for three months short of two years. I know relationships are hard and you can't expect them to be fair all the time. But in all this time, I've loved him for a good portion of it. I didn't expect him to say it back, at first. I just wanted it returned eventually. But here we are. I say "I love you," with no reply.
When it comes to relationships, how much is too much? When do we know that they will never be able to give those emotions back? If you talk and they listen, is it enough? At what point do our needs take over and we have to have them satisfied or you'll just burst? I'm looking for those answers. And more. If you know, please help.
Aww...Angie dear, maybe he's just waiting for the right time to say it; but, who am I to say anything? I am not a patient person, so I really don't know what to say, except to let you know that if you need to vent, you have my number, my email, etc. I'm a good listener.
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