Goals: Realized

This summer, I set a goal. That goal was to re-connect to myself. I decided this after the semester from hell. I looked back at my life. I wasn't happy with the way that it was going. I had started so well when I moved to College. And somehow along the way, I feel that I lost a part of myself.

So this summer, we set out to find out more about myself. And more importantly, change the things that I didn't like, as well as enhance the things I did. And I feel that I have done that.

1) Image.

Ah, yes. Image. The fact that I was gaining weight like a snowball rolling downhill. The fact that I didn't like my features. I was doughy, I was ugly. In changing the way I thought about myself, I changed the way I looked.I changed my hair. I dyed it, cut it, made myself look different. I decided to lose the weight. And I've lost 21.8 pounds this summer. I've dropped two pant sizes. And I'm not done. I WILL get to my goal weight and maintain it. When I started to drop the weight, I started to change how I felt about myself, and therefore, I didn't see myself as ugly. I'm starting to see myself as beautiful. Perhaps truly for the first time in my life.

2) Job.

I got one. At Croasdaile. I worked with the old folks. And I learned more about my weaknesses as an individual. I learned to prioritize what is most important in my life, and to never give up my goals of finding them. I learned that when I am faced with an obstacle, I shouldn't be afraid of it. I should tackle it. And more importantly, In some cases, I should just wait it out instead of panicking.

3) ME.

I connected to me. I thought about why I am the way I am. I thought about my friends and why they're friends with me. And my self-confidence rose. And my smile came back. And my outlook on life did a 180. I changed. I'm never going back to the depression, the sadness, the terrible attitude, the lack of support. I will not go back to hating myself. I'm on the path to loving myself, and even though its the hardest thing I've ever done, I'm happier now than I have been in my life. And I did it all. for. ME.

Silhouette

Today was a great day. At least as far as NSV's go. (Non-Scale Victories, for all you Weight Watchers illiterate.) I'll explain.

I'm sitting here. Listening to Michael Bublé serenade me. And I feel more at peace right now than I have in a LONG time. His voice is wrapping me up in the feeling of being truly loved. Being confident, care-free, and undeniably beautiful. I attained this feeling after several hours of self-confidence boosting therapy, via my closet.

It all started this morning at Weight Watchers. I weighed in and lost 0.6 pounds. It wasn't a fantastic weight loss, but I'm thankful for it being a loss and not a gain, and not just flatlining. But, it wasn't a great victory at the scale. So, on weeks like this, I try to find what we call Non-Scale Victories. Something you're proud of that isn't reflected by the numbers on the scale. For me, it was climbing that lighthouse that was equivalent to a 12 story building. At least, thats all I could think of at the meeting.

It takes a while for your brain to catch up with your body, and your clothing size to change. I started packing up my clothes tonight. And I hated to do it because I knew I wasn't going to fit in any of the clothes that I would take to school anyway. And thats when it happened. My brain, my body, and my clothes all were in alignment. I finally started to notice that I was getting my silhouette back. You can see the hourglass at my waist. I can tighten the belt on my Goal Dress a few notches tighter, and all my shorts from last summer fit again.

And it all started to rush back. My self-confidence. My smile, my walk, my attitude towards life. It all made a sudden up-turn. And now, I'm treating myself by drowning myself in music and enjoying the fact that I have a silhouette again.

Where the Sand is your Seat, and the Waves Kiss Your Feet

That's right, oh faithful, yet few, readers! I finally got to go to the beach for the first time in two years! And the only words I have to describe it are "a glorious re-awakening of my soul." Because that's what it felt like to me. It felt like I was leaving all my negative thoughts, my worrisome tendencies, my constant angst at home. And finally, I was able to relax and rediscover why I fell in love with that boy of mine.

And it was a perfect time to do it. After not seeing him in a month, I do what lots of people do to prevent the distance and time from hurting so much. I went numb. That's my default setting to prevent pain. And it was working. And then I saw him, and that numbness went right out the window and I was flooded with all the feelings I had worked so hard to suppress in order to not be overwhelmed with sadness everyday.

We visited the Aquarium at Pine Knoll Shores, we laid on Atlantic Beach, we visited the Maritime Museum in Beaufort, we had some fantastic seafood at the Sanitary Fish Market and Restaurant in Morehead City. I had the most relaxing sleep I've had in three months, because I knew he was there. We took a boat ride to visit Cape Lookout Lighthouse. We laid on the sands by the Lighthouse. We swam in the ocean. We climbed the 207 steps up the lighthouse, and saw a great view from the top. We walked down the beach, with him holding me to his side. And I felt like this was where I was supposed to be all along.

The trip did more than just give me pause to think about what is important in life. It gave me the opportunity to see a glimpse of what I want. And for that, I am truly grateful. And what's more, I'm grateful to have lost all that weight before revealing myself to the Crystal Coast in a bathing suit. At weigh in this week, I was down 1.8 pounds. My total weight loss is 20 pounds. Even. And I've never felt better about myself. [Except of course when I move back to school.]