I Was Wrong.

It never ceases to amaze me how the things that you never thought you would like end up changing who you are. For me, that is Sigma Alpha Iota. I swore on my life that I would never join some any fraternity or sorority. I stereotyped it and said that it "wasn't me."

I have never been more wrong. This organization is all for promoting and supporting music. That is part of who I am. A musician. I will always find music more moving than visual art, film, or poetry. It is one thing that can bring me to my knees. The women in this organization never fail to astound me. They are supportive, loving, and make me feel more alive than ever before. I feel like I could do anything knowing they are there for me.

I have always relied more on myself than on any one person because I'm always afraid that the bottom will drop out and they'll turn on me, or fail to be there at all. These women are not like that. Particularly, my big sister. She is a beautiful, talented, caring, loving individual whom I admire and respect above most anyone I have ever known. I feel truly blessed for her to be my big sister and to be there for me throughout my process.

I have only just begun this process towards becoming a sister, but I already feel that it has changed my life for the better. This is one of the best decisions I ever made in my life and I cannot wait to see what else is in store for me.

"For Every Season, Turn, Turn Turn"

Dear Blogging Community,

I am very sorry for my lack of propriety and filling you all in, but I have a good reason. If idle hands are the devil's workshop, I am definitely a child of God. 'Cause I am busy nearly every second of the day. I'm taking 19 hours this semester. And if that weren't enough, I decided to Rush Sigma Alpha Iota.

So, since I left the land of the world wide web, I moved back into my dorm at Western. I have my own room, and an awesome suite mate, who is lovely, quiet, respectful, oh... and a beast section leader. I successfully completed Band Camp, as well as wind evaluation day and I'm proud to say I'm a member of the Gold Exhibition Band and I play 1st Lead Piccolo. Not bad for a voice major, if I do say so myself. Marching Band has been going swimmingly; hot, humid, marching on mars, dirt in my lungs, sweat drenched, and with 380 uniformed members. Yeah. Insanity. GOD, I love it.

Classes are back in session and kicking my butt with full force. A quick run-through will explain my sentiment on most of them.
Music History - lots of info to process and the professor will grade my papers harder than anyone else in the free world. Overall, a good class, though.
Concert Choir - I sing alto. I sing alto. I sing alto.
Early Music Ensemble - I sing alto. I sing alto. I sing alto.
Honors American Gov't - Man is old. He calls us by last names and he really gets into politics. Kinda boring, but at least he's semi-entertaining.
Piano 3 - Brad. Kill me now.
Elementary Music - No one said this class required 15 hours of observation! And its long. And silly.
Strings - I don't like them. The man is WAY too excited about the class. I'll be glad when its over.
Choral Methods - The class that is supposed to be most pertinent to my life once I graduate is the least. Its the "Oh, look what I taught my middle schoolers today" instead of teaching me how to teach High School choir.

That's the lowdown on classes. Plus lessons. Whoo. Plus an extra "Women's Pop A capella" ensemble for Ashley. Hopefully should be a lot of fun to do. But what I'm really excited about was Rush Week for Sigma Alpha Iota. We had a ton of fun at the Ice Cream social, getting to talk one on one with the sisters, Sister Sing and Tea, and the PJ Service project cleaning Coulter. On friday, I got my bid. And my heart about beat out of my chest. I got my first note from my Big Sister today. This whole process is SO exciting. I just can't wait.

So as you can tell, I haven't neglected you, oh faithful yet few. I have simply been busy finding things to tell you about!

Goals: Realized

This summer, I set a goal. That goal was to re-connect to myself. I decided this after the semester from hell. I looked back at my life. I wasn't happy with the way that it was going. I had started so well when I moved to College. And somehow along the way, I feel that I lost a part of myself.

So this summer, we set out to find out more about myself. And more importantly, change the things that I didn't like, as well as enhance the things I did. And I feel that I have done that.

1) Image.

Ah, yes. Image. The fact that I was gaining weight like a snowball rolling downhill. The fact that I didn't like my features. I was doughy, I was ugly. In changing the way I thought about myself, I changed the way I looked.I changed my hair. I dyed it, cut it, made myself look different. I decided to lose the weight. And I've lost 21.8 pounds this summer. I've dropped two pant sizes. And I'm not done. I WILL get to my goal weight and maintain it. When I started to drop the weight, I started to change how I felt about myself, and therefore, I didn't see myself as ugly. I'm starting to see myself as beautiful. Perhaps truly for the first time in my life.

2) Job.

I got one. At Croasdaile. I worked with the old folks. And I learned more about my weaknesses as an individual. I learned to prioritize what is most important in my life, and to never give up my goals of finding them. I learned that when I am faced with an obstacle, I shouldn't be afraid of it. I should tackle it. And more importantly, In some cases, I should just wait it out instead of panicking.

3) ME.

I connected to me. I thought about why I am the way I am. I thought about my friends and why they're friends with me. And my self-confidence rose. And my smile came back. And my outlook on life did a 180. I changed. I'm never going back to the depression, the sadness, the terrible attitude, the lack of support. I will not go back to hating myself. I'm on the path to loving myself, and even though its the hardest thing I've ever done, I'm happier now than I have been in my life. And I did it all. for. ME.

Silhouette

Today was a great day. At least as far as NSV's go. (Non-Scale Victories, for all you Weight Watchers illiterate.) I'll explain.

I'm sitting here. Listening to Michael Bublé serenade me. And I feel more at peace right now than I have in a LONG time. His voice is wrapping me up in the feeling of being truly loved. Being confident, care-free, and undeniably beautiful. I attained this feeling after several hours of self-confidence boosting therapy, via my closet.

It all started this morning at Weight Watchers. I weighed in and lost 0.6 pounds. It wasn't a fantastic weight loss, but I'm thankful for it being a loss and not a gain, and not just flatlining. But, it wasn't a great victory at the scale. So, on weeks like this, I try to find what we call Non-Scale Victories. Something you're proud of that isn't reflected by the numbers on the scale. For me, it was climbing that lighthouse that was equivalent to a 12 story building. At least, thats all I could think of at the meeting.

It takes a while for your brain to catch up with your body, and your clothing size to change. I started packing up my clothes tonight. And I hated to do it because I knew I wasn't going to fit in any of the clothes that I would take to school anyway. And thats when it happened. My brain, my body, and my clothes all were in alignment. I finally started to notice that I was getting my silhouette back. You can see the hourglass at my waist. I can tighten the belt on my Goal Dress a few notches tighter, and all my shorts from last summer fit again.

And it all started to rush back. My self-confidence. My smile, my walk, my attitude towards life. It all made a sudden up-turn. And now, I'm treating myself by drowning myself in music and enjoying the fact that I have a silhouette again.

Where the Sand is your Seat, and the Waves Kiss Your Feet

That's right, oh faithful, yet few, readers! I finally got to go to the beach for the first time in two years! And the only words I have to describe it are "a glorious re-awakening of my soul." Because that's what it felt like to me. It felt like I was leaving all my negative thoughts, my worrisome tendencies, my constant angst at home. And finally, I was able to relax and rediscover why I fell in love with that boy of mine.

And it was a perfect time to do it. After not seeing him in a month, I do what lots of people do to prevent the distance and time from hurting so much. I went numb. That's my default setting to prevent pain. And it was working. And then I saw him, and that numbness went right out the window and I was flooded with all the feelings I had worked so hard to suppress in order to not be overwhelmed with sadness everyday.

We visited the Aquarium at Pine Knoll Shores, we laid on Atlantic Beach, we visited the Maritime Museum in Beaufort, we had some fantastic seafood at the Sanitary Fish Market and Restaurant in Morehead City. I had the most relaxing sleep I've had in three months, because I knew he was there. We took a boat ride to visit Cape Lookout Lighthouse. We laid on the sands by the Lighthouse. We swam in the ocean. We climbed the 207 steps up the lighthouse, and saw a great view from the top. We walked down the beach, with him holding me to his side. And I felt like this was where I was supposed to be all along.

The trip did more than just give me pause to think about what is important in life. It gave me the opportunity to see a glimpse of what I want. And for that, I am truly grateful. And what's more, I'm grateful to have lost all that weight before revealing myself to the Crystal Coast in a bathing suit. At weigh in this week, I was down 1.8 pounds. My total weight loss is 20 pounds. Even. And I've never felt better about myself. [Except of course when I move back to school.]

10 Weeks to 10 Percent!

That's right. You guessed it. I FINALLY lost 10 percent of my starting weight! When I went to my ritual weigh in, I was expecting a small weight loss, since I haven't been able to exercise much since my wisdom teeth removal. I was pleasantly surprised when I dropped 4.4 pounds last week. This brings my total weight loss to 19.2 pounds! And... I finally got my keychain to put my 5k Challenge charm on!

I have been noticing a lot of changes in my health since the weight came off. The stairs aren't so dreaded and I don't huff and puff when I get to the top. I have more energy. I still can't sleep, but that's a whole separate deal. If I exercise everyday, I deal with stress better.

I haven't seen many people lately besides those at work, so I haven't gotten the "Have you lost weight?" comments yet. I'm waiting for those to start popping up. Sometimes I doubt that when I go back to school anyone will even notice. They'll just say, "Wow, Angie. How was your summer?" If that. I know there will be the people who read this blog (I think. I hope.) who see me and say something. But other than that, its kind of difficult to think that anyone else would care.

The last bit that I'm waiting to see is the clothes start fitting better. I have noticed a LITTLE bit. Such as, when I first came home, I couldn't wear the shorts that I wore last summer, but now those fit. But I'm not going to see big changes in the clothes department until my mid-section shrinks, and that is usually the LAST to go and takes a lot of working out to accomplish.

But I'm happy with how much I've done so far. And I'm even more determined to reach goal weight and lifetime status. And be able to look great in my Goal Dress for California! ;)

Relationships vs. Goals

Disclaimer: This is not up-beat. This is me. Writing about problems. So, if you're looking for a happy go-lucky blog entry to read about my successes, this isn't it. You have been warned.

I have been writing about all of my goals this summer. That's what sparked my untapped need to put my emotions, events, tales, thoughts, and dreams down on... well, not paper, but ... a blog. I have been so goal oriented that my life now feels like a series of parades. A parade of my weight loss goals and my reviews of my weekly meeting at the holy trinity; Weight Watchers, Kroger, and my kitchen. In my other parades I've been writing about events, like Junior Conference, my wisdom teeth removal, getting my new job at Croasdaile Village.

And while all of these things are important and affect who I am, they are not my feelings. They are not my emotions. They are, and have been in recent weeks, distractions to satisfy my fear. In my life, its easy to make a to-do list of things to accomplish. And with my drive, I know I can accomplish them.

Until it came to relationships. As much as I hate to write about them and hate to think that I would be so self-centered as to write about the way I feel about the relationship that I'm in, I realized it might be a good idea to try and get this down. Outside of my own subconscious. So I can stop thinking about it, or rather obsessing over it until I drive myself insane.

My relationship. Myyyyyyyyy relationship. I sincerely wish that I could just get my head around it. We've been together since our first day of college. Not as a couple, but as friends. We eventually started dating and have been together ever since. I never doubted us. I doubted myself. A lot. College will do that to you. But in recent weeks, I've started feeling loneliness creep into my everyday life.

Granted, my job isn't the most comforting. Sitting in a room with someone who sleeps most of the time isn't a great way to combat feeling alone. Most days our lives are so boring we have nothing great to talk about on the phone. And the real trouble comes with the fact that I have all day to sit. And think. I think about the strong feelings I have for him. And how I don't feel them being returned. Sure, I know he likes me. I know "I'm his favorite person." But when you are separated and get to see each other once a month, that's not necessarily what you're looking to hear.

Its not like we've been dating for a small amount of time. We've been together for three months short of two years. I know relationships are hard and you can't expect them to be fair all the time. But in all this time, I've loved him for a good portion of it. I didn't expect him to say it back, at first. I just wanted it returned eventually. But here we are. I say "I love you," with no reply.

When it comes to relationships, how much is too much? When do we know that they will never be able to give those emotions back? If you talk and they listen, is it enough? At what point do our needs take over and we have to have them satisfied or you'll just burst? I'm looking for those answers. And more. If you know, please help.